Hi!
Newsletter #6. I hate Christmas.
Every year, it feels like Christmas happens earlier and earlier. I walk through the doors the day after Halloween and I’m smacked in the face with the fake smells of Christmas emanating from the seasonal section of the grocery store. I try to resume with regular shopping, but now there lingers all the anxieties of December. The flights that haven’t been booked. The presents that haven’t been bought. All the things I said, I would do this year, but didn’t. From that point on, everything feels like it’s moving at warp speed and there isn’t enough time.
This year my kid gave me her Christmas list in September, which on her part was pretty genius because she was asking for all the big ticket items--Doc Martins, a new phone, and a new computer. I had so much lead time this year that I actually didn’t break the bank. And since I had begun thinking about Christmas in September, I just went ahead and started all my Christmas shopping. Plus, I knew that I didn’t want to be out with the possible hordes of people doing Christmas shopping in December during a pandemic. So by December 1st, all my Christmas shopping was done, and with the exception of the kid’s presents, everything was bought locally or from small businesses. I really thought I had won at Christmas. But Murphy's law prevailed: Christmas will always be fucked.
It turned out the computer was the wrong model and I had to return it. And, so began a series of stressful events and I found myself in the middle of the kind of classic Christmas fuckery I thought I was going to avoid this year. And let’s not forget it’s still 2020, so you gotta throw in those pandemic curveballs. Before these new lockdown orders came out, I thought I would be handing presents to my family up north in San Francisco. Now I probably have to box everything up and ship it at a time when there are already lines outside the door of people trying to do the same thing. And from what I hear, at this point, it might not even get there in time. Also, did I mention that December is my birthday month and that I’m turning 40?
I’m in awe of people who love Christmas--or maybe I hate them. Growing up, Christmas taught me my earliest lessons in duality. It’s supposed to be a joyous season, but somehow I was always so sad at this time of year. To me, Christmas meant driving hours to spend most of the day with my mom’s family and missing out on Christmas in San Francisco with my dad’s family, where I felt at home. Some years we were able to drive back in time to enjoy what was left of the celebrations in SF, but that meant leaving my mom by herself on Christmas night to go to a place where she was not welcome. I remember the first tree we got in our own apartment after moving out of my grandfather’s house where we lived while my mother re-established herself after my parents' divorce. The tree was really small and it sat on top of the side table where we usually put the telephone. We had a box of the cutest ornaments and I was so excited to decorate that humble tree. I was, however, also keenly aware there were bigger and better trees. And that the one we had was a compromise. The attempt at a tree my dad had in his bachelor apartment was even sadder. It consisted of a piece of driftwood, set on a table with one ornament hanging from it--the California equivalent of the sad little tree in A Charlie Brown Christmas. While all the messages I was given about Christmas being a time to celebrate and rejoice, I was always conflicted, caught between two places. With the joy also came guilt, loneliness, and a feeling that something was missing. So when I see folks wholeheartedly throwing themselves into this holiday, I really wonder how they are pulling it off.
I feel the same way when people really like their birthdays. I know some people who celebrate their birthdays all month long. Taking themselves on trips and treating themselves to hair cuts and spa days. Hanging out with all their friends who are available for that because it isn’t Christmas. I think about celebrating my half-birthday in June for that very reason. Having a birthday so close to Christmas meant that a lot of people forgot, even your best friend. And getting that combo birthday/Christmas present always felt so un-special. One of the people who didn’t do that was my grandmother, who was always thoughtful in getting me two separate presents. She was also born in December, so maybe she understood how it felt.
Talking now about forgotten birthdays of Christmas Past during a pandemic when so many people are struggling feels pretty entitled. This Christmas my kid asked me for the most expensive gifts and I was able to provide them with relative ease. If I wanted to buy a big ole tree, I could. So I’m really having a hard time seeing the thesis of this newsletter to its conclusion. When I first started outlining this week’s entry, I started off with a list of all the things I hate about Christmas. The list began with pumpkin spice lattes and from there on it just felt petty. And when I really think about it, there are alot of things I actually like about Christmas. It was just historically there was always something in the way of fully celebrating the joy of the season--this year it happens to be a pandemic. So I’m going to do something very unlike me and share with you some things I actually like about Christmas.
Here they are:
Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. I always play this on Christmas morning when the kid is opening presents. I miss when she actually liked getting books. And also when the presents were not as expensive.
“River” by Joni Mitchell. No other song captures the joy and sadness of Christmas for me better than this song.
Christmas mornings getting dim sum in the SGV.
Dinners cooked by my Tita Puring.
Learning how to celebrate my birthday. This was the first time I actually invited folks out on my birthday at Thunderbolt restaurant last year.
Balut, fertilized duck egg. We always have these with the Christmas spread. They are kept hot all night inside of a styrofoam cooler. My favorite part is what you see here—getting ready to sip the liquid inside. (Don’t yuck my yum!)
All the babies I get to carry.
Our Christmas tradition where the matriarch of the family hands out the presents. It used to be my Grandma. Now it’s my Auntie Annie.
Memories of my grandma.
Christmas pandemonium in San Francisco. My family is HUGE. This was the last Christmas we spent in my grandparent’s house. That year there were so many people that some festivities had to happen outside in the street. I’m really gonna miss celebrating this way this year.
This has nothing to do with Christmas really, but more of a mood I’m trying to maintain. (And probably because we are watching PEN15 again.) Also, thanks to everybody who sent me messages about Newsletter #5! I’m glad you all liked it and there will definitely more on that to come.
“Say You’ll Alway Be There” by The Spice Girls.
Signing off until next week!
~j9
We December babies need to stick together! Wishing you a great 40th trip around the sun!! May your memories continue to light the Christmas Joy within you. Since my mom passed in 2010 Christmas and my birthday have truly been a struggle - but I muster a smile for those who want it then I find a cozy cup of coffee and a good movie to sit and relax with my thoughts. If you like "River" be sure to check out Dash & Lily on Netflix -- HUGS
oh j9....why did i not know that you hate christmas as much as i do? every year, anxiety and loneliness creep up on me just before thanksgiving...and i quietly brace myself hoping i can make it past new year's eve....i look forward to seeing you into your 40th bday, sis!